Friday, December 19, 2008

The Cyrus Virus

I was searching youtube when I came across this image in the video's recommended for me.
I hope she wasn't trying to be sexy when this was freezeframed.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Wow, Amazing

All I really need to do to make friends is try something new.
Before I kept wondering why no one ever shone towards me as I stayed safely huddled in shell of routine.
Untill today I am no longer that snail.....I am a butterfly.
I will fly over anything and under everything to see what works to attract more friends, and soon enough I will have "flown so far around the different people in the world, and affected everyone so much" that I will be crowned the ultimate social butterfly, the one and only conqeurer of the air.
Today I tried new ways of socially interacting with the people at my work.
And maybe it was just me, but I definitly felt more accepted and like I had made a genuine impression on people.
I'm feeling beautiful inside and out, (though a bit underestimated), and i'm rolling on a high.
Over time I am going to hammer this blog article into my head as the guidance it gave me was excellent and just what I needed.
It gave me the last bit of courage I needed to stand up and do something about my apparent lack of friends.

And now I leave you with a collage that expresses how i'm feeling beautifully. I want everything in this picture including the girl ............just joking. however I would like to be able to shadow my eyes like her.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

The phases that froze me

I see myself as frozen in place at the moment. A still girl who is crying inside and on the outside looks like a dried out zombie.
My eyes appear like all the juices have been sucked out of them, so insted of being bright teenage lights filled with hope and rebellion, they are prunes, with baggy skin stretched around the outsides and nothing on the inside.
I do not want to be this way, as I know it is neither charming nor intresting, insted I want to punch every little brute who appears to have many friends surrounding them.
I am aware it is my fault I have not gone out and made my own friends, I am aware it is my fault I let rejection keep me hidden, I am aware it is therefore my fault I am depressed. But still I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes the only happiness I can draw from my life is that in which tears of self-pity can give me.

Now in the past I have gone through several "phases" that made me withdraw inside myself, too afraid too ever come out again.

The Phases

•become quiteter in an effort not to look like an idiot and be safe from judgement
•Try extremely hard to make a scene so as too look like I was a "fun" person
•Try extremely hard not to try be anything so as to not make the mistake of looking like i'm trying to be something i'm not. AKA: Be really boring and quiet
•Realize i'm not making any worthwhile friends this way so try to sound wiser and smarter then I am to prove I have some kind of personality, while at the same time not making a fool of myself
•Realize I was making a fool of myself by trying to sound smarter and so purposefully try to play the "so dumb she's funny" character to counteract my idiocy and get people to see I am in fact humble.
•Realize that everyone who's anyone makes huge idiots of themselves before they become great, and so start feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. But still remain extremely introverted
•Start reading self-help articles in order to become the best person I can be, and to realize who I deep down truley am. Because now I realize all I want is too love people, be loved in return, and make a meaningful difference to the world by being the best version of me. Also to help me become more extroverted.

All the phases before the final two were stupid phases. Ones that made me emotionally distraught. The final two have made me become twice the person I used to be, and although I am still introverted and lonely, I believe I am on the road to friendship.

~Alannah at 17

Friday, November 28, 2008

The: And Nothing More, Challenge

For some reason, this picture touches my heart...................and nothing more.

Whenever someone walks past me I will think to myself there is someone walking past me, and nothing more.
If an old lady walks past me and fiddles in her pocket as she goes. I will think there is an old lady fiddling in her pockets as she walks, and nothing more.
If a fat man waddles past me and looks me in the eye for two seconds I will think there is a fat man waddling by whilst looking me breifly in the eye, and nothing more.
If two little kids walk past and one whispers something to the other and then they both chuckle, I will think there is two kids laughing at something and nothing more.
If I see a store with a sign saying: 50% of everything!, I will think there is a store with a 50% sale, and nothing more.
If I see A teenage girl trip slightly on her feet and then continue walking I will think there is a young girl who almost tripped, and nothing more.
If I see a rundown dairy painted pink, I will think there is a ugly dairy painted pink, and nothing more.
If I see a discarded ciggerette butt. I will think there is a discarded ciggerette butt, and nothing more.
This way I am training myself to not instantly assume every negative action a person has is because of me, or directed at me. I am training my mind to realise that I never know the story behind why a rundown dairy has been painted freshly pink, or a ciggerette butt was discarded on the ground. Or even what will happen to all the discounted things in the 50% off sale. I just do not know for certain untill I have encountered every little bit of the story with my own ears and eyes.
By applying the "and nothing more" concept to ordinary objects as well as people I am showing my mind that I do no know for certain why anything, or anyone, has become like it is.
If someone appears to be giving me the "evil eyes" I will simply think, that person is making an unhappy look in my direction. However That does not mean they are intending to give me the evils because they think i'm ugly/snobby/retarded/dumb/insecure/mean/fat/etc...... I am simply seeing what I see and nothing more.
And just like I do not know if all the products in the big sale will sell out, I do not know if some stranger walking past me will think poorly of me.
And if they are thinking rationally the stranger should also be at terms with the fact that they do not know if i am thinking poorly of them, or even thinking of them at all. Also, they CAN NOT tell from a several seconds glance whether I am a dickhead or not. Case in point: Focus on what other people in the world could be thinking of you and you will remain depressed AND ignorant.
Focus On the fact that they are simply doing what they are doing, and nothing more, and you will remain non self-obssesive, and down-to-earth.
I will also feel more wonder at the world. And we all know those with a burning curiosity discover more and learn more.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Poetry that rhymes can be good

Ever since I was small teachers have told me if my poem rhymes it's never any good. Did they ever bother to even read the words? Anyway my favourite poet ever is Thomas Hood. No that I know much poets but when I came across this poem in my favourite authors book (Virginia Andrews). I felt an instant connection.

Farewell, Life! my senses swim,
And the world is growing' dim;
Thronging shadows cloud the light,
lake the advent of the night, —
Colder, colder, colder still,
Upward steals a vapour chill;
Strong the earthly odour grows, —
I smell the mould above the Rose!
"Welcome, Life! the spirit strives,
Strength returns and hope revives;
Cloudy fears and shapes fornlorn
Fly like shadows of the morn —
O'er the earth there comes a bloom, —
Sunny light for sullen gloom,
Warm perfume for vapours cold, —
I smell the Eose above the mould:"

Upon searching his name I found this poem which applies to the slave labour situation that still exists.

WITH fingers weary and worn,
With eyelids heavy and red,
A woman sat, in unwomanly rags,
Plying her needle and thread--
Stitch! stitch! stitch!
In poverty, hunger, and dirt,
And still with a voice of dolorous pitch
She sang the "Song of the Shirt."
"Work! work! work!
While the cock is crowing aloof!
And work--work--work,
Till the stars shine through the roof!
It's Oh! to be a slave
Along with the barbarous Turk,
Where woman has never a soul to save,
If this is Christian work!
Till the brain begins to swim;
Till the eyes are heavy and dim!
Seam, and gusset, and band,
Band, and gusset, and seam,
Till over the buttons I fall asleep,
And sew them on in a dream!
"Oh, Men, with Sisters dear!
Oh, men, with Mothers and Wives!
It is not linen you're wearing out,
But human creatures' lives!
In poverty, hunger and dirt,
Sewing at once, with a double thread,
A Shroud as well as a Shirt.
"But why do I talk of Death?
That Phantom of grisly bone,
I hardly fear its terrible shape,
It seems so like my own--It seems so like my own,
Because of the fasts I keep;
Oh, God! that bread should be so dear,
And flesh and blood so cheap!
My labour never flags;
And what are its wages? A bed of straw,
A crust of bread--and rags.
That shatter'd roof--and this naked floor--
A table--a broken chair--
And a wall so blank, my shadow I thank
For sometimes falling there!
From weary chime to chime,
Work--work--work--As prisoners work for crime!
Band, and gusset, and seam,
Seam, and gusset, and band,
Till the heart is sick, and the brain benumb'd.
As well as the weary hand.
In the dull December light,
And work--work--work,
When the weather is warm and bright--
While underneath the eaves
The brooding swallows cling
As if to show me their sunny backs
And twit me with the spring.
"Oh! but to breathe the breath
Of the cowslip and primrose sweet--
With the sky above my head,And the grass beneath my feet,
For only one short hour
To feel as I used to feel,
Before I knew the woes of want
And the walk that costs a meal!
"Oh! but for one short hour!
A respite however brief!
No blessed leisure for Love or Hope,
But only time for Grief!
A little weeping would ease my heart,
But in their briny bed
My tears must stop, for every drop
Hinders needle and thread!"
With fingers weary and worn,
With eyelids heavy and red,
A woman sat in unwomanly rags,
Plying her needle and thread--
Stitch! stitch! stitch!
In poverty, hunger, and dirt,
And still with a voice of dolorous pitch,--
Would that its tone could reach the Rich!--
She sang this "Song of the Shirt!"

*Tear*, Did you cry? Or did you cry?

Celebritys I Actually Like

○ Miranda Kerr

She is too cute

○ Emma Watson
She always looks good

○ Lily Allen

Unlike Emma she doesn't always look good, but she never looks pretentious

○ Mary-Kate Olsen

The Queen Of the Bag-Lady style

○ Natalia Vodianova
She is so beautiful, I think her looks peaked after her pregnancy
○Dakota Fanning
Her personality is so sweet in interviews, I hope she doesn't get to arrogant and become a diva

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Revalation of The Day

Smile, even when you don't feel happy (espcially when you don't feel happy), your body believes in the expression your making, and releases happy endorphins into the body to match your smile. I learnt today that it's hard not to feel a surge of happiness, when you are smiling. Even if it is a fake one. People also gravitate towards those who smile more, because even a fake one shows friendliness, compassion, and makes you not appear so intimidating. It's easier to love yourself when your smiling because suddenly you notice everything that could be making you smile, and then you begin to feel a genuine smile overtaking the fake one. Faking a smile does not make you uncool, in fact you will feel more at peace with yourself for being humble.

In the words of Ben Folds

"Smile like you've got nothing to prove
No matter what you might do
There's always someone out there
Cooler than you
I know that's hard to believe
But there are people you meet
They're into something That is to big to be expressed
Through their clothes
And they'll put upWith all the poses you throw
And you won't even know
That they're not sizing you up
They know your ma fucked you up
Or maybe let you watch
Too much TV
But they'll still look in your eyes
To find the human inside
You know there's always something
In there to see
Beneath the veneer
Not everybody made the list this year
Have a beer
Make me feel tiny
If it makes you feel tall
But there's always someone
Cooler than you
Yeah, you're the shit
But you won't be it for long
Oh there's always someone
Cooler than you
Yeah, there's always someone
Cooler than you
Now that I've got the disease
In a way I'm relieved'
Cause I don't have to stress about it
Like you do
I might just get up and dance
Or buy some acid-washed pants
When you don't care
Then you've got nothing to lose
And I won't hesitate'
Cause every moment
Life is slipping away
Make me feel tiny
If it makes you feel tall
But there's always someone
Cooler than you
Yeah, you're the shit
But you won't be it for long
Oh there's always someone
Cooler than you
Yeah, there's always someone
Cooler than you
Oh, there's always someone Cooler than...
Life is wonderful
Life is beautiful
We're all children of
One big universe
So you don't have to be
A chump
And you know(You know)
That I won't(I won't)
Cause every moment Life is slipping away(Away)
It's okay(It's okay)
Make me feel tiny
If it makes you feel tall
Oh, 'cause there's always someone
Cooler than you
Yeah, you're the shit
But you won't be it for long
But there's always someone
Cooler than you
Oh yeah, there's always someone
Cooler than you
Because there's always someone
Cooler than you
Cooler than you
Nerds go wild...

Monday, November 3, 2008

The Turn of Time when I Try Things I love Tuesday

•○•The reason Why I love Susie from Style Bubble.

"I KNOW that if I rolled up my Lanvin blazer sleeves, donned some cut-off denim shorts, black opaques, my Balenciaga-knock off boots and an AA tee, people would remark that I looked half-decent and vaguely dare I say chic? I've come to realise that the cliches about fashion conformity don't exist for no good reason. Originality is encouraged but god forbid if you don't worship at Christopher Decarnin's feet, think Carine Roitfeld is elegant amd that the Olsen twins are effing cool and want Alexander Wang to be your gay best friend, then you can just F right off and hide in a fashion cave, banished forever into the realms of un-cool and downright dorky."

She is always so genuine, and down to earth just at the right time. Just when you think people are about to get away with fucking her or someone else over, she points out the well-needed truth and hits all the points.

•○• The lyrics in Westlife's new song

•○• This Airy-Fairy-like Dress

•○• My New Job at the Supermarket as a person who runs around stacking the shelves. It sounds like hard work.....And it is! But that's a good thing because I'm getting a fit toned body I have always dreamed of, and the excersise is helping alleviate my depression.

•○• Making prank-calls with my friends using this free Dr Phil Soundboard

•○• Making up my own quotes. "Before you finalize any of your creations (drawings, writing, designs, or otherwise) Make sure that you were not trying to be anything other then yourself, or an improved version of yourself. People can always see when you have created something for the sheer sake of giving of a certain preconcieved image. But when you genuinelly feel that you absolutely must do what you have done, and genuinely fear what others will think of this genuine side of YOU - that is about to be shown through your creation, that is when you know you have created something beautiful." ~ Me

•○• Improving this blog when I had a dreadful feeling of impending doom. Don't worry my blog is going somewhere now. I'm making it helpful inspiring, and genuine so people can relate to me with ease.

My Revalations

As time goes on, I will learn new things, and obviously that means the writing in my blog will change. It will on some days maybe seem like I am a different person then I was yesterday. This is because I change my thinking patterns quickly, and one simple change in one of my thoughts can change the whole basis of my judgement on life and everyone in it. Obviously everyone does this, but I am pointing this out so readers (*cough* what readers?! *cough*) know, that although some days I may seem like an ignorant dick-ead trying to act really cool. On other days
I actually am the opposite of said dick-ead. And am able to simply relax into myself.
Here's some more life-related of my recent revelations.

*I must record my goals, failures, successes, and revelations in order to progress regularly in life.
*The reason I thought I was "lonely" for a boyfriend, was only because I was insecure about myself and simply needed a guy to validate my self-worth.
*When I am doing anything nice for someone, I should be doing it only to give to the other person and make them happy. NEVER should I be simply doing it so I can in turn get something from the other person. E.G, their love, gifts, compliments or anything else that can be given.
I must learn to love without relying on getting something in return to be happy.
*Un-processed food = love of self, and more intense pleasurable feelings when eating something yummy.
*To become soemthing amazing I must only think of amazing people and things, and only focus on sad people and things when I intend to help the person or situation.
*To be able to genuinely laugh from the very pit of my heart and soul,
I must first learn to laugh at myself, without the laughter feeling forced.
*I must be always reading self-help articles, books, and blogs. I can never get enough information.
*I must never let my emotions be negatively affected by someone who appears better of then me, and is judging/ putting down an aspect of my attitude to life. Regardless of their popularity level they could still be just another George Bush - A person well-off because the enviroment around them was supportive. Remember there is a whole world of different people out there, and a whole other world inside of you.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

blah blah, poetry again

I am confused
a twist of turns
a mirage of laughter among the burns
a orchestra whith too much playing
a set of laws with too much staying
a person who cannot interact
for to speak would break her unconcious contract

The Golden Frame

A time has come that was not due
I am not the me I thought I knew
not the fairy child that lurked my dreams
but Magdelena, yes it seems .................

To remain a statue all of gold
or breathe in the life which has me sold
I chose to leave my safe warm shell
which kept me seen as whole and well
I chose to part with the golden frame
I am the painting, Alannah the name
But now I wonder what is next?
how do I shed the canvas, the life that intersects

my history now dragged along
weaved inside for far too long
must be cut from my time
there's too much pieces intertwined

Friday, September 26, 2008

What can I offer that no one else can?

\This is a tough but serious question for me. It MUST be answered in order for for anyone to get anywhere with their life. If you want to stand out, make a difference, or just feel really special, you must come to terms with your unique abilities.
So here is mine:
* I have a really good intuition. When I get a feeling about something I just know that it must be dealt with at once. Every time I ignore me suspicions I end up regretting it.
* I can be really really honest, to the point where I explain every little tiny thought my brain has (even the thoughts about why I explain the tiny thoughts).
*I am completely compassionate. I am always trying to see things the way everyone else would be seeing them so that my understanding means I can play a character that will be beneficial to their emotional needs.
*I am overly self aware, which may sometimes be a problem (e.g awkwardness) but on the flipside can also be very good for self-improvement.
*When I am in the right state of mind I have a way with words that can inspire people.
*I believe strongly that all people are good beneath what is seen outwardly, and that with the right attitude you can help them become better people.
*I believe everyone has creative abilities, regardless of the fact that their stuff may have once seemed tryhard, stupid, or ugly.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Living in a Fantasy World

My mum say's i've been living
in a fantasy world away from others
if i don't face reality
i'm ganna get decieved
then my world will be always crumpled
But you see mum i never told you this
my fantasy is logical, and it is real

one day im ganna show you so you can feel
the love that comes with miracles youve waited for

My love will be amazing
and my, my house will be only crazy
and my my mind will blurt out all sorts of things
my love will be true
my money will be rolling in
fast as it takes to say it'll never come
cause momma i have one life it will be my chosen one

you say now honey, you look just fine,
but that's not beautiful
not enough to get me by
you say dear, be grateful for your life
so i roll my eyes,
yeah mother it's ALRIGHT
something ANYONE could get if they tried

one day i'm ganna show you so you can feel
the love that comes with fantasy that's real

My love will be amazing
and my, my house will be only crazy
and my, my mind will blurt out all sorts of things
my love will be true
my money will be rolling in
just as fast as it takes to say it'll never come
cause momma i have one life and it will be my chosen one

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

My first time using Weed

Apart from the fluoxitine I currently take for my depression, the Caffine in my coffee, and the Morphine I took as a pain-killer for my Scoliosis Surgery, the only drug i've ever taken is Weed.
Since about the age of 14 i've known deep in the back of my brain that when I got the chance I would not just try Weed but use it regularly. Not suprisingly I was around 14 when I first got depression. Thinking positively about life was no cure as depression always weedeled it's way around that. So in my mind taking drugs to alter my state of mind was as inevitable as getting my period.
I was this eager to try weed but being extremely socially stunted, I had no way of getting to it.
That was untill I met Wanda. Wanda was a little bit phyco and that was what instantly attracted me too her. She worked with me in the fudge factory and I just knew she would be all into that illegal stuff that I had no way of getting too. Somehow I managed to put all my social problems aside, and get out more then 2 words each time I spoke to her.
She told me she had been kicked out of home when she was little. She had also been with an abusive boyfriend who made her so mad that she ended up chasing him with an axe. She had crashed her car a few times and earned several fines. In my mind she was one of the most fascinating people I had ever met.
She invited me to her house. I agreed. She felt I didn't look cool enough for her to be seen with in public, so she straightened my hair before she took me out to the mall.
After two minutes of walking in a mall she proclaimed "this is so boring, let's go somewhere else"
And so we were of to some random guys house who she said was the hottest guy ever. I didn't belive her.
We arrived. He was extremely hot. He had long black dreadlocks and he used to be a model.
I decided to shut my mouth as I didn't want to scare him away with my retardedness too fast.
Against all odds he seemed to like me. Maybe it was that I had freshly straightened hair, or maybe it was my innocent naivety that intrested him but he seemed to be paying a lot more attention to me then most guys ever do.
We went straight to the garage out back and he got the fire going ready for the weed. I was extremely awed of the way he swiftly heated a rod on the fire and then stuck it under a bottle from which I was too suck up all the weed. I sucked it in and felt a bit of pain in my lungs.
I was very scared when I watched him taking the weed himself. He seemed to put all his heart and soul into sucking it up, and he almost fell of his chair.
A minute later I announced that I did not feel any different which was the truth. Now I know that you need to wait 3 minutes before you can tell if your high. At the time I simply thought my body somehow needed more then most people's. I had a second, and BAMM, I was screwed.
The world began to feel very very heavy, like gravity was about to pull me down into the ground. I told the hot guy with black dreadlocks this and he said it was all in my mind.
I dragged myself too my feet and we made our way to his room. I sat on the floor and tried too control my facial expressions. Alas I could not, Wanda sat there laughing at how "weird" I looked.
I began laughing............I can't remember why.
The hot guy began to question me over and over about my life and my friends. I found it very hard to answer him fast enough before he asked another question. Each question left me in deep thought. He appeared to be smirking at me, but I could not tell properly because it seemed like the world was hazy.
The hot guys dog came in. He began screaming at the dog and viciously shoving him out of the house. Hot Guy had suddenly turned into a schitzophrenic phyco. I was very afraid that he was going to kill the dog. I had forgotten that weed could make you paranoid so I did not know that it was only the weed affecting my thoughts. I went to the toilet. I became extremely scared that he was going to bust in as there was no lock on the door. I pissed while holding my hands outstretched against the door.
When I returned to the room The hot guy seemed to sense my tension. "relax, just enjoy the high" he said wisely. the rest of the time there consisted of him asking me difficult questions, and him and me staring at his fish tank. Tanya seemed to be a distant memory in the back of mind giggling over and over, even though she sat only a few metres away from me.
"shit my mum's ganna kill me" I said. Tanya offered to drive me home.
"But...but...but what about that don't get stoned and drive ad?" I asked knowing that there was none, but being too stoned to think of anything else to say.
They cracked up laughing and we left. On the way home I brought a cookie and stuffed it down my throat. She left me at the end of my drive. By this time I needed the toilet again.......badly. I tried to hurry down the driveway, because I felt like my mind was so scared about pissing my pants that I would piss my pants just because I couldn't stop thinking about pissing my pants. I also felt like the weed had affected my bladder control. Ya know the kind of thing you only think when stoned. Well yeah, I made it too the gate before all of hell's waters broke lose. It trickled down my socks and shoes, so I took them off and threw them in the garden.
Then I rushed into the house and tried to act completely normal.
The next day my mum asked why my shoes and socks were in the bushes.
"ummmmmmmmmm, nevermind it's not intresting" I answered guiltily.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Born in Bars

The punishment is already here
stretched back since when the torment started
all these times the old man acted
fake laughed
fake smiled
fake cryed
destined to waste his life
there was no escape from his baby skin
from the only society's, living revolved in

Sunday, August 24, 2008

The Ultimate Woods Party Playlist

Okay imagine your boats crashed and your stranded on an island, deep in the woods, surrounded by about 50 of your closest friends, and 50 random hot guys. All that exists at this one moment is you, the cute guys eying you up, the wild scenery, and a stereo (don't ask me where the stereo came from). This is one of my top 5 dream scenarios. But of course the right music is essential so here is what would be on my "Woods Party CD"

*Michael Jackson - Beat it
*Pantera - Walk
*Nirvana - smells like teen spirit
*Lady GaGa - Just Dance
*MGMT - Electric Feel
*MGMT - Kids
*MGMT - Time To Pretend
*Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under The Bridge
*Guns N' Roses - Welcome to the Jungle
*Billy Idol - Dancin With Myself
*Bob Marley - Everything's gonna be alright
*Bob Sinclar -Love Generation
*Bon Jovi - Wanted Dead or Alive
*Aladdin - A Whole New World
*Filter - Take a Picture
*The Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
*A Perfect Circle - The Noose
*Phil Collins - In The Air Tonight

Sunday, August 3, 2008

The "Special" Story

I was in the supermarket the other day looking for a nice plump chook too eat for dinner.
Please note: I was feeling particualrly awkward this day. One minute I felt like I was trying to hard to walk with confidence, then the next minute I felt like I was trying too hard not too.
Turns out all the chickens are on special. So I buy a big one. Then as I go to line up everyone is staring at me funny. I'm scared that I have something on me, So once outside, I check my clothes only to find a bright yellow special sticker stuck dead in the middle of my jersey.
Please note: It was on just the right degree angle too allow people too realise that it had not been put there by me intentionally as a joke on myself. But rather got on a special person such as me because of my specialness.

Friday, August 1, 2008

I call this poem Priya

Priya, I never deep down truly ment anything I said to you in that text. I said it all because I felt unloved and inferior. It was horrible for me to say those things, and not only that, but I havn't been able too sleep properly since I sent it to you. When I sent it I was hoping you would send something back saying how much you could not live without me being your friend, and how sorry you were for neglecting me, and how you needed me. But now I realise why would you have sent me that when I said untrue, uncalled for things all because of my own insecurity.
This is not an excuse but I was feeling badly depressed that day and have been feeling much worse ever since I sent it. You will always be the best friend ever too me. I drew you a picture too and named it Sisley. Sisley is wearing a dress that I thought could be one of our designs. Annoyingly I could not photocopy it up here as The stupid printer was not working.

Anyway I am asking for your forgiveness. Please forgive me. P.S I got a sample of some apparently real skunky (it's supposed to give us a real good high) weed. I havn't used it yet, do you want to smoke it with me? I'm free today and tomorrow and any time up till wednesday.
We can test it out, and I can show you Sisley.
Here is your poem.


It's happened again
what happens only too me
only to someone inferior

i've given you everything
I set you free
I opened you up to who youve always dreamed to be

i never thought the time would come
when you would let me go
out into the wilderness in my artificial snow

you leave me with nothing
not even goodbye
leave me on your doorstep for I infinitly cry

like a cold cup of tea
like a old book of quotes
like the same resounding song, once beautiful notes

you keep ............pushing me away
like the thousand fathers fore me
and the thousand from this day

I cry everything right now
for today and for tommorow
could be 100 years more fore you forgive me for my sorrow

Monday, June 23, 2008

I Hate Tuesdays........

I felt depressed, trapped, and alone today. So this post has some of my utmost favourite inspiring quotes.
Blue = My absolute favourites

Beautiful Quotes

The best index to a person's character is
(a) how he treats people who can't do him any good, and
(b) how he treats people who can't fight back. -- Abigail Van Buren

The first precept was never to accept a thing as true until I
knew it as such without a single doubt. -- Rene Descartes, 'Le Discours de la Methode,' 1637

Throw out an alarming alarm clock. If the ring is loud and
strident, you're waking up to instant stress. You shouldn't
be bullied out of bed, just reminded that it's time to start
your day. -- Sharon Gold

Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously
about. -- Oscar Wilde

When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it
is useless to seek it elsewhere. -- François La Rochefoucauld

"All your life you are told the things you cannot do. All your
life they will say you're not good enough or strong enough
or talented enough; they will say you're the wrong height
or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or be
this or achieve this. THEY WILL TELL YOU NO, a
thousand times no, until all the no's become meaningless.
All your life they will tell you no, quite firmly and very
-- Nike

Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but
by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings
to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive
attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts,
events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates
extraordinary results. -- Anon

Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's
blood and probably themselves will not be realized. Make
big plans; aim high in hope and work, remembering that a
noble, logical diagram once recorded will not die, but long
after we are gone be a living thing, asserting itself with
ever-growing insistence. -- Daniel Hudson Burnham

Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others
can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they
can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation
you're presented with and moving on. No matter where
you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can
always do something. You always have a choice and the
choice can be power. -- Blaine Lee

How do I change?
If I feel depressed I will sing.
If I feel sad I will laugh.
If I feel ill I will double my labour.
If I feel fear I will plunge ahead.
If I feel inferior I will wear new garments.
If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice.
If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come.
If I feel incompetent I will think of past success.
If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals.
Today I will be the master of my emotions. -- Og Mandino

I will act now. I will act now. I will act now. Henceforth, I will
repeat these words each hour, each day, everyday, until
the words become as much a habit as my breathing, and
the action which follows becomes as instinctive as the
blinking of my eyelids. With these words I can condition
my mind to perform every action necessary for my
success. I will act now. I will repeat these words again and
again and again. I will walk where failures fear to walk. I
will work when failures seek rest. I will act now for now is
all I have. Tomorrow is the day reserved for the labor of
the lazy. I am not lazy. Tomorrow is the day when the
failure will succeed. I am not a failure. I will act now.
Success will not wait. If I delay, success will become wed
to another and lost to me forever. This is the time. This is
the place. I am the person. -- Og Mandino

I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be happy. I
think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible,
to be compassionate. It is, above all to matter, to count, to
stand for something, to have made some difference that
you lived at all.
-- Leo Rosten

Let's assume that each person has an equal opportunity,
not to become equal, but to become different. To realize
whatever unique potential of body, mind and spirit he or
she possesses. -- John Fischer

Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the
end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing;
its when you had everything to do, and you've done it. -- Margaret Thatcher

"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but
she is beautiful because you love her." -- Anon

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to
get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is
everything." -- Katharine Hepburn

Being always overavid, I demand from those I love a love
equal to mine, which, being balanced people, they cannot
supply. -- Sylvia Plath

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt" -- Sylvia Plath

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my eyes and all is born again. Sylvia Plath

Ah, how skilful grows the hand
That obeyeth Love's command!
It is the heart, and not the brain,
That to the highest doth attain,
And he who followeth Love's behest
Far excelleth all the rest! -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet." -- Plato

"It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the
majority. By definition, there are already enough people to

do that." --
G. H. Hardy

It can be hard to separate the things you like from the things you're impressed with. One trick is to ignore presentation. Whenever I see a painting impressively hung in a museum, I ask myself: how much would I pay for this if I found it at a garage sale, dirty and frameless, and with no idea who painted it? -- Paul Graham

"Don't worry about what anybody else is going to do. The
best way to predict the future is to invent it." -- Alan Kay

Perspective is worth 80 IQ points. Alan Kay

"But the audience is right. They're always, always right.
You hear directors complain that the advertising was
lousy, the distribution is no good, the date was wrong to
open the film. I don't believe that. The audience is never
wrong. Never." -- William Friedkin, in a NYT interview

"The imagination of nature is far, far greater than the
imagination of man." -- Richard Feynman

"We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief
requirements of life, when all that we need to make us
happy is something to be enthusiastic about." -- Albert Einstein

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. -- Albert Einstein

Concern for man and his fate must always form the chief interest of all technical endeavors. Never forget this in the midst of your diagrams and equations. -- Albert Einstein

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater. -- Albert Einstein

Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions. -- Albert Einstein

He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed. -- Albert Einstein

Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts. -- Albert Einstein

Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism - how passionately I hate them! -- Albert

I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world. -- Albert

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough. -- Albert

If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor. -- Albert

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough. -- Albert

In matters of truth and justice, there is no difference between large and small problems, for issues concerning the treatment of people are all the same. -- Albert

In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself. -- Albert

Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them. -- Albert

It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder. -- Albert

It is the supreme art of the teacher to awaken joy in creative expression and knowledge. -- Albert

it's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer. -- Albert

Most people say that is it is the intellect which makes a great scientist. They are wrong: it is character. -- Albert

Never do anything against conscience even if the state demands it. -- Albert

Nothing is more destructive of respect for the government and the law of the land than passing laws which cannot be enforced. -- Albert

Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty. -- Albert

The attempt to combine wisdom and power has only rarely been successful and then only for a short while. -- Albert

The gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge. -- Albert

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once. -- Albert

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. -- Albert

The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives. -- Albert

The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination. -- Albert

The value of a man should be seen in what he gives and not in what he is able to receive. -- Albert

True art is characterized by an irresistible urge in the creative artist. -- Albert

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. -- Albert

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. -- Albert

Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking. --Albert Einstein

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your
ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really
great make you feel that you, too, can become great." -- Mark Twain

"Any word you have to hunt for in a thesaurus is the wrong
word." -- Stephen King

No, it's not a very good story - its author was too busy listening to other voices to listen as closely as he should have to the one coming from inside. -- Stephen King

People think that I must be a very strange person. This is not correct. I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk. -- Stephen King

"Get the important things right." -- N. P. Collingwood

As for me, all I know is that I know nothing. -- Socrates

NEVER change your poem for what other people think, because then it becomes THEIR poem. -- Daboy1414 (a person I met on Yahoo Answers)

Sometimes people need to see how lame your own life is to feel better about theirs. That's why I'm such a successful therapist. - Dr. Robert Dobrenski~ Psychologist

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward. Maybe they have to be crazy.How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? Or sit in silence and hear a song that's never been written? Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?We make tools for these kinds of people. While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. - Anon

“Life is an ongoing process of choosing between safety (out of fear and a need for defense) and risk (for the sake of progress and growth). Make the growth choice a dozen times a day.”~ Abraham Maslow

The things you own end up owning you.
- Tyler Durden

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.
- Theodore Roosevelt

If we don’t take charge of life’s direction, our life will be controlled by the outside to serve the purpose of some other agency.
~ Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt the impossible — and achieve it, generation after generation.
~ Pearl S. Buck

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.
~ Elbert Hubbard

For every failure, there’s an alternative course of action. You just have to find it. When you come to a roadblock, take a detour.
~ Mary Kay Ash

Achievement seems to be connected with action. Successful men and women keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don’t quit.
~ Conrad Hilton

Great people know how to take care of their people. For a great person does not become great by themselves.
- John Maeda

Be careful what you water your dreams with. Water them with worry and fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism and solutions and you will cultivate success.
~ Lao Tzu

You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.
~ James Allen

“It is not he who reviles or strikes you who insults you, but your opinion that these things are insulting.” ~Epictetus

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” ~ Anthony Robbins

“Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.” ~ Swedish Proverb

There's always someone left to blame ~ Anon

Before you finalize any of your creations (drawings, writing, designs, or otherwise) Make sure that you were not trying to be anything other then yourself, or an improved version of yourself. People can always see when you have created something for the sheer sake of giving of a certain preconcieved image. But when you genuinelly feel that you absolutely must do what you have done, and genuinely fear what others will think of this genuine side of YOU - that is about to be shown through your creation, that is when you know you have created something beautiful.

Don’t let your special character and values, the secret that you know and no one else does, the truth - don’t let that get swallowed up by the great chewing complacency.” ~ Aesop

So much complaining and negativity that people put out into the world is about how they feel about themselves and their lives. The problem is just that we are often so focused on own lives that we take every negative thing said to us personally. But the world doesn’t revolve around me or you. ~ Aesop

“A man interrupted one of the Buddha’s lectures with a flood of abuse. Buddha waited until he had finished and then asked him, “If a man offered a gift to another but the gift was declined, to whom would the gift belong?”
“To the one who offered it,” said the man.
“Then,” said the Buddha, “I decline to accept your abuse and request you to keep it for yourself.” ~ Buddha

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” ~ Theodore Roosevelt

Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event.
Oscar Wilde

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
Oscar Wilde

The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else, and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated.
Oscar Wilde

Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes.
Oscar Wilde

One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.
Oscar Wilde

There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.
Oscar Wilde

Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is man's original virtue. It is through disobedience and rebellion that progress has been made.
Oscar Wilde

“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.” ~ Wayne Dyer

“People who want the most approval get the least and the people who need approval the least get the most. Let go of the need for approval” ~ Wayne Dyer

The more you judge people, the more you judge yourself. What you see in other people is often what you see in yourself. So if you judge them all the time for their looks or intelligence then you probably judge yourself often about these things too. To let go of judging others can lead you to letting go of judging yourself too. As you lift the limitations you put on others, you lift the limitations you put on yourself. ~ The Positivity Blog

“Though I might travel afar, I will meet only what I carry with me,for every man is a mirror.We see only ourselves reflected in those around us.Their attitudes and actions are only a reflection of our own.The whole world and its condition has its counterparts within us all.Turn the gaze inward. Correct yourself and your world will change.”- Kirsten Zambucka

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.” ~ Paulo Coelho

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important."~ Bertrand Russell

"Plato was a bore."~ Friedrich Nietzsche

"I have no data yet. It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories instead of theories to suit facts."~ Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"Wit is educated insolence."- Aristotle

"Science is the record of dead religions."- Oscar Wilde

"The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins."~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." ~ H. G. Wells

"Do, or do not. There is no ‘try’."~ Yoda

"It’s easier to seek forgiveness than ask for permission."~ Proverb

"Become who you are."~ Friedrich Nietzsche

"If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea."~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."~ Napoleon Bonaparte

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."~ Mark Twain

» The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. ~ George Bernard Shaw

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. ~ Oscar Wilde

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.” ~ Oscar Wilde

"One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.” ~ Oscar Wilde

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.” ~
Oscar Wilde

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.” ~
Evelyn Waugh

Whatever you say, say it with conviction” ~ Mark Twain

Confidence, like art, never comes from having all the answers; it comes from being open to all the questions.” ~ Anon

To live you have to experiment, to have the ability to experiment you have to have confidence, to have confidence you have to be loved, to be loved you have to love” ~ Anon

Success is simple. Do what's right, the right way, at the right time.” ~
Arnold H. Glasgow

Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.” ~

In examinations, the foolish ask questions the wise cannot answer.” ~
Oscar Wilde

“People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"When you rise in the morning, give thankis for the light, for your life, for your strength. Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies in yourself." ~ Tecumseh

Saturday, June 14, 2008

An "odd" person

nobody nobody can relate
too the world Alana reels
she can play a video
or write a poem
but still nobody can feel what she feels

nobody nobody can understand
why alana does it so
she can put on a clown hat
or make Chamonile tea
but what Alana is offereing nobody knows

nobody nobody wants to love
a person who hasnt the strength to stay
alana pretends
but the effort is draining
she has only the strength to run away

nobody nobody will give this a chance
this baby she holds
so fragile and small
nobody will look for the child in her hands
Alana hasnt the strength to unfold

somebody somebody should dance with Alana
when her face has fallen from their depths
should throw rope after rope into her arms
somebody see
the trails she left

This is a poem I wrote today. Oddly this is how I feel write now. I guess you can say I am Alana. I'm narrcassistic like that. I often write about myself as though i'm some crazed lover. I stalk myself. My mind stalks myself. I drive myself crazy, make myself fear for my life, and make myself feel completely selfish.
Also this is pretty random but I just thought of an awesome name for my clothing label in the future. No stealing or i'll sue you =D

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The End

Or rather....... I should be saying this is the beginning of my blog.
However As I quite often create things suddenly on a whim I fear this will be the first and last blog i have ever created.
But worries aside, the reason for this blog is I wish to do more in my life. Prove to myself and all those who have shut me down (I am a rejected loser more often then not), that I am a lot more then people have ever seen in me.

In this blog I will go by the code name Disheveled Doll. As I would prefer to not reveal my retard identity so everyone can laugh at me when some jerk from my school discovers my "emo" blog.
I was hoping not to start of on a bitter note, but as usual i've defied that impossible rule I set for myself. Some days I am happy........ Very happy. That is when I can write well, because I know I can write well, and therefore I do.

Most days because of my persistent depression i'm too down in the dumps to see the world clearly, so my writing just comes out a jumbled mess of irritating and repetitive garbage.
I've always tried to describe my sadness too my mum as "an endless maze in my brain with no way out" Other people would describe it as a haze over their eyes but i'm trying not to be cliche here!

So too officially start of my first post i'm going to leave you with a recipe for an extraordinary hot cocoa cooked the good old fashion way. I'm not trying to brainwash you too subcounsiously accociate my blog with a creamy hot chocolate...........ok maybe I am. But hey =D

before you go look at this charming wee contraption. It makes me laugh.

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