Thursday, December 11, 2008

The phases that froze me

I see myself as frozen in place at the moment. A still girl who is crying inside and on the outside looks like a dried out zombie.
My eyes appear like all the juices have been sucked out of them, so insted of being bright teenage lights filled with hope and rebellion, they are prunes, with baggy skin stretched around the outsides and nothing on the inside.
I do not want to be this way, as I know it is neither charming nor intresting, insted I want to punch every little brute who appears to have many friends surrounding them.
I am aware it is my fault I have not gone out and made my own friends, I am aware it is my fault I let rejection keep me hidden, I am aware it is therefore my fault I am depressed. But still I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes the only happiness I can draw from my life is that in which tears of self-pity can give me.

Now in the past I have gone through several "phases" that made me withdraw inside myself, too afraid too ever come out again.

The Phases

•become quiteter in an effort not to look like an idiot and be safe from judgement
•Try extremely hard to make a scene so as too look like I was a "fun" person
•Try extremely hard not to try be anything so as to not make the mistake of looking like i'm trying to be something i'm not. AKA: Be really boring and quiet
•Realize i'm not making any worthwhile friends this way so try to sound wiser and smarter then I am to prove I have some kind of personality, while at the same time not making a fool of myself
•Realize I was making a fool of myself by trying to sound smarter and so purposefully try to play the "so dumb she's funny" character to counteract my idiocy and get people to see I am in fact humble.
•Realize that everyone who's anyone makes huge idiots of themselves before they become great, and so start feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. But still remain extremely introverted
•Start reading self-help articles in order to become the best person I can be, and to realize who I deep down truley am. Because now I realize all I want is too love people, be loved in return, and make a meaningful difference to the world by being the best version of me. Also to help me become more extroverted.

All the phases before the final two were stupid phases. Ones that made me emotionally distraught. The final two have made me become twice the person I used to be, and although I am still introverted and lonely, I believe I am on the road to friendship.

~Alannah at 17


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